High School Romancical 3

"you know, if it makes you feel any better......"

i'm not really sure who exactly came up this particular statement, but fuck that guy. because you know what? NOTHING that comes after the word "better" actually makes me feel better, which i can only assume was the original meaning behind it's creation.

for instance

"if it makes you feel better, my dad left when I was 5 too"

Oh really? your father left you when you were at a young age? WOW. totally makes my day better hearing about your domestic issues. why not just throw in some aids and a daycare catching on fire. whats that? your mother was a drug addict too?

best
day
ever

because if there's one thing that makes me feel better, its listening to someone spew morbid stories at me in an attempt to "make me feel better" when in reality, they are making a comparison of how shitty something was for them, compared to how shitty something is to me.

NOW of course there's always going to be an exception to the rule. someone's going to say something that invokes a laugh or a smile or just a warm fuzzy feeling. but really think about it for a second. how many times does that happen on an average? which of the two is more common?

i'm willing to bet you (yes, you) a klondike bar that my example is more likely. actually, scratch that. i like choco-tacos better.

<-----insert segway from one topic to another here ----->

note to self: big font kicks ass.

second note to self: smallest font is harder to read

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so i read recently that tiger escaped from the kansas city zoo. instead of being able to catch this big kitty, they had to shoot it. frankly, i'd probably jump to shoot it first, then maybe try to catch it. anywayz

as the investigation went on, someone asked how the tiger got out. the reason the tiger got lose was because the trainer left the door open on his cage.

....

are you fucking kidding me?

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now, first off, why did it take so long for someone to ask "how did the tiger get out". perhaps i'm just being overly analitical here, but i've always been under the impression that this question was a big one. perhaps the biggest? ok, maybe not the biggest......but certainly the first.

"tiger got out of the cage"

"how'd that happen"

HOW did that conversation not happen asap? who the hell is like

"tiger got out of the cage"

"oh really? lets go watch the seals."

now, it'd be one thing if they didn't discuss it because they were chasing after the tiger..

but no.

the tiger was found, and shot....days later. thats right. for a short period of time, there was a live tiger just roaming KC. thank god he didn't make it gates BBQ.

I'm sure you are wondering when the stupidity stops......well, not anytime soon. you see, the trainer who left the cage open was punished.....by the dreaded SLAP ON THE HAND (of doom). atleast he had a fantastic reason why he left the door open. you ready for this amazing reasoning that could never be debated in any fashion ever?

he had to pee.

and to think, i thought that line only worked for Forrest Gump. silly me. remind me to use that one next time i'm under the spot light. "why did you murder that hooker?" "I had to pee" "oh.....ok."

So just so all my ducks are in a row......if I work for the KC Zoo and accidentally let a tiger out, and then take my sweet ass time finding the tiger, and then kill the tiger instead of actually capturing it.....i'm still cool? fan-f'n-tastic

ps. fuck africa. not the actual africa. i'm talking about that 4 mile track of sweaty, not cool animals that had only 3 benches and 1 drink stand. might as well call that part of the zoo Iraq.