ctrl.alt.delete

"I've been lost for so long, no more will to carry on.

So dark and dead and diseased.

Nothing left in the end.

And to pray is to pretend.

I'm tired of trying to believe."

i long for the days when i could fill this space with words and letters that i found important or worth putting out to the world.  i have nothing profound to say.  no life lesson to teach those that probably know more anyways.  as much as i want to get things off my mind, off my chest, off my shoulders.....only the words of others seem to do the trick.

i'm a rather lonely person, both in and out of relationships.  the times when there is no one by my side, i look to others in anger and jealousy.  and the times when someone is right in front of me, i turn away. i want love and i want to be love, but on a personal level, i apparently cant take the responsibility.

and it really is a responsibility when it comes to a relationship, i suppose.  responsible to make sure that other person knows just how much they matter or how little you'd be without them.  responsible to put the little things to the side for the sake of not making mountains out of molehills.  responsible to work on things and think about things together instead of creating a civil war.  responsible to not drag that person down with you.

i wish love and life and loving life wasn't so complicated for me. i refuse to make excuses for my wrong doing, for my anger and my hatred and my selfishness.  i just wish there was some flashy memory messer-upper thingy that could erase it from my mind.  i'm ashamed, truth be told.

ashamed that i was loved and now i'm not.  ashamed that i have no one to blame for my failures but me.  ashamed that this is the first intellegent thing i have to share with people in years.  ashamed that i fooled myself into thinking this was right, now was the time, and everyone was ready.  i wasn't.

i suppose on a positive note, thoughts of removing myself from the mortal world seem to be at an all time low.  not because i'm not depressed, as i might be in worst emotional and mental shape then before, but because i don't have the balls to do it.  point blank. 

the sad part is, sometimes when i look to the heavens for strength, it's in hopes of doing something i can't take back.  truth be told. 

oh yeah, can't forget.
- yes, i'm getting divorced
- no, she's a lovely woman and deserves all the credit in the world for trying to love someone like me
- no i've never actually tried to kill oneself

figured i'd get those out of the way.